Dear Guy Who Was Driving in Front of Me This Afternoon,
Congratulations. I thought I'd seen every sort of automotive accoutrement known to mankind, but you are the first person I've ever encountered with a large pair of fake testicles dangling from the undercarriage of his truck.
What were you thinking?
I mean, really, what were you thinking? What sort of thought process makes a person go, "Okay, I've got my bumper sticker, I've got my license-plate frame ... what else can I add to turn my vehicle into a personal statement? Oh, I know! How about some fake testicles?"
It boggles the mind.
Also, I'm curious about how you get along in life while driving a truck that's decorated in this fashion. What do your dates think when you pick them up in it? If you have kids, do you drop them off at school and then zoom off with your fake testicles swinging jauntily in the wind? When you're going to lunch with your boss and he asks if you can drive, do you say "Sure, no problem. It's the grey Chevy with the balls under the bumper?"
Do you get more traffic tickets than other people? Because I know if I were a cop, I wouldn't be likely to give you and your dangly bits a pass if you were going a few miles faster than the speed limit, or if you pulled off a California stop at a red light. If anything, I'd probably start looking for a reason to give you a ticket for something as soon as I saw you, even if I couldn't get away with writing in "Has fake testicles" on the form.
I will say one thing for you, Truck Guy, and it is this: the sight of you driving in front of me made me laugh harder than anything else that happened all day. But beyond that, I'm sorry to tell you that although your truck may have balls, you have no class.
The Startled Person in the SUV Behind You