Friday, December 11, 2009

The scent of paranoia

Today I took a day off to go Christmas shopping while G was at school. This is the first year since 2005 that I've done any serious Christmas shopping, and I had forgotten that my fellow human beings start losing their veneer of civilization the day after Thanksgiving, only to become downright feral by mid-December. But they do. Holy crap.

So, off I went to spend money and watch altercations between my fellow shoppers, including a pair of very large ladies who nearly came to blows when one of them backed her electric scooter into the other's electric scooter, and a mother who was yelling "DAMN IT, ISABELLA, COME ON, I'M GETTING A HEADACHE" at her three-year-old, who didn't appear to be doing anything particularly awful. Although having had a three-year-old once, I imagine it was probably the breaking point in a long day of frustration.

Anyway, after two hours of that, I was starving and had to pee, so I left to get lunch at Rubio's and use their restroom. I collected my order and went back to my car, and as soon as I slid into the driver's seat and closed the door, I was hit by a powerful wave of men's cologne. It's been a couple of weeks since a guy has ridden in my car, and then it was a friend who doesn't wear that stuff, so this was disturbing.

In rapid succession, these thoughts flashed through my mind:

1. Oh my God, an insane rapist/murderer has broken into my car and is hiding in the cargo area, waiting for me to drive home so he can rape and murder me at his leisure.

2. He must be a complete idiot. What sort of criminal douses himself with Axe before he goes out to do his raping and murdering?

I turned around to look into the back seat (not sure what I was planning to do if there was actually someone there ... beat him over the head with my bag of cheese enchiladas, I guess) and as I did, I caught a whiff of my own hand and realized that the smell was coming from me. Apparently, the liquid hand soap in the bathroom at Rubio's smells exactly like men's cologne.


At least I didn't call 911 or anything. That would have been a tough one to explain.


Widow in the Middle said...

Hats off to you for braving the holiday crowds and all. This was a very funny experience to share and it is so nice to laugh!

Humincat said...

Thats exactly what I do with cateyes and the emails, but I just happened to open one from her friend just out of curiosity on what in the heck they could possibly be talking about, and it was about a boy, and how "happy he makes me feel" and crap like that, and then when I checked on who was sending her emails, she had a million from said boy, whom she told me was a girl *cameron* but he signs his emails with his last name, and turns out to be a boy. I just don't know if I should call her on it when I really don't care about the boy part, just the dishonesty part. And if I say no boyfriends, that means no boyfriends, but I am just afraid she is going to get even more sneaky about it. Hmmm. I think I'll let it go for now, but man it freaks me out she has started to lie, not to mention date!