Epistolary

Dear Cat,

Would it be too much trouble for you to visit the litter box and take your massive daily dump before 2:00 in the morning? I don't mind scooping the box (much), but I do mind waking up in a bedroom filled with a miasma of cat excrement. I mean, really. I don't know how the smell gets up the stairs, but it does, so please try to confine your poopage to the pre-midnight hours.

Signed,

The Janitor

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Dear Kid,

I think you have a skewed definition of the word "mean." It is not "mean" of me to insist that you take a shower and brush your teeth before bed. It is also not "mean" of me to tell you that slippery-soled party shoes, two sizes too small, are not appropriate footwear for school -- no matter how sparkly they are and how well they go with your dress. For examples of what "mean" actually is, I refer you to such classic tales as Oliver Twist, Cinderella, Harry Potter, and the collected works of V.C. Andrews. Perhaps these stories will help you understand that even if you're tired of chocolate Teddy Grahams, finding them in your lunch box for the third day in a row does not constitute an act of child abuse.

Signed,

Your Mother

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Dear Universe,

What are you trying to do to me? Stop it!

Signed,

A Small, Insignificant Speck