Friday, November 10, 2006

Who's another year older today?

Yep. That would be me.

P and I never did a lot of celebrating when it came to our own birthdays. He, especially, had a deep aversion to anyone making a big deal out of it (although if you had wanted to buy him a flat-screen TV or a nice DVD box set in honor of the occasion, no problem) and would usually try to find a way to hide out at home, watching a basketball game or something similar. So it isn't a lack of recognition that's bothering me on this, my first birthday without him. It's the idea that I'm getting older and he isn't. He's supposed to be the eldest, not me. In two years, I'll be older than he ever got to be, and that upsets the fundamental balance of the universe as I see it.

He had a lot more birthdays than anyone expected, you know. First they said he'd die as a newborn, then as a child, then before he reached his teens, but he never did. He kept on living, defying all odds and predictions, for thirty-six years and four months and five days. He never cared about getting older the way so many people do; he thought it was stupid to mourn your lost youth. How could he? Every year he lived was a year he hadn't died. I suppose that's a morbid way to look at it, but it's better than crying over your grey hair and crows' feet. And God knows I've got enough of those already at the ripe old age of thirty-five.


Anonymous said...

Hi there
I think this is the thing about death. We often talk about the family left behind, the wife and children who remain to mourn. In fact it is the loved one who has passed on who has been left behind. We continue to live and grow and move along our life's path and they are they behnd us, part of us but no longer part of the journey. I think that is the hardest thing to grasp: the ones who have died are no longer "along for the ride." And it hurts.

Thanks for sharing, Pink

tina said...

The way I see it, the people we love and lose have not been left behind; rather, it's the opposite--they speed up and go far, far ahead of us, and for the rest of our time on Earth we are moving toward, not away, from them.